will and consequence

I left the country I was born out of fear.

Fear from many places. Our national policy in general

Fear of loneliness.

Fear of those that surrounded me

Fear of losing the one person I thought understood me

And then losing them....

,being reborn

My old AIM sn was phoenix720

I had always liked that myth

Being reborn form the ashes of the fire that destroyed you…

My AOL screenname was far more prophetic than I could have thought.

At age seven I found it a cool story, I was a big fan of FFVII on the PS1. It was my favorite materia to use. I’ve alluded to some existential beliefs in prior posts to quantum, and multiple universe theories.

It’s something I’m a bit obsessed with honestly. In this reality I’m writing to you in my dad killed himself when I was 22. I also overdosed on 10x the maximum prescribed dosage of Oxcarbazepine in an attempt to get high. I was young and dumb. The bottle said causes drowsiness. Figured it would at least mak the hours alone pass more quickly.

Instead I had 18 hours of sizures or convulsions, idk which, by the time I went to the hospital to avoid probation violation via medical reasons I was given an official diagnosis of “Vertigo”

It was the second or third most physically painful experiences of my life.

I remember my friend “H-Wood” dropped by during my worst point and asked me to lrt him call an ambulance. I said “no, fill the tub with warm water and leave” it helped to relax my muscles and lessen the pain.

But what if I actually died, in that reality? That universe? Whatever you’d wish to call it. What if my awareness just continued into this similar but slightly different universe? We’ve all most likely heard of the Mandella Effect… I remember a conversation with my father that he died in prison. My father that committed suicide a year after my accidental overdose that would likely have killed anyone due to my chemical ignorance at the time (non-sponsored plug: erowid.org dancesafe.org )

Reality is simply personal perception as so far as we know. But what implications does that have?

What is free will?

How is a human different than an ape? We make things that lead to the destruction of the things that made us special in the first place.

I don’t know what to infer from that.., that’s fine. If there’s one thing I AM sure of it is how little we ARE sure of...

~Macka